I’ve Moved

•September 17, 2008 • Leave a Comment



Slowing Down

•September 11, 2008 • 1 Comment

It’s official. I have little to no desire for new people right now.

Must be autumn.

I’m Looking toward the coming holidays. (Halloween/Samhain is a favorite. I love dressing up!) other than that I have no plans. Just caring for my friends, and myself.

Mostly I’m looking forward to the crisp air, and the foggy mornings. I can’t wait to see the leaves turn. I’m anxious to stand in the wind, and to feel the rain on my face.

It’s good to slow down.


•September 10, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I need to cry.
I need to cry the way I need to breathe.
My chest feels tight and my lungs feel ineffective.

I even tried listening to sappy songs
and watching sad movies,
and I couldn’t shed a tear.

I need you to make me.
Force the sobs from my throat.
Take them from me.
Let me fall and break at your feet,
please, because I’m suffocating.

Drowning behind these walls
that I’ve built up, and called strength.

Higher Ground

•August 28, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I just read and posted a familiar story
– a tale of a jar, filled with golf balls,
then pebbles, then sand
and finally two cans of beer.
While I think that the audience at which
the tale was targeted at
might not have gotten the jist of it,
it wasn’t a waste of the professors time
– someone heard what his message was.

It has been a bit of a topsy-turvy time,
making me question a lot of my judgment calls
and the decisions I have made.
Things that I clung on to for dear life,
turned out to be nothing but pebbles and sand.

Walk me over this horizon
Let the sun’s light warm my face
Once again the times are changing
Once again I lost my way

What have I learnt in these 24 years of living?
A whole lot of lessons, I must say.
I have seen and done things that others
only read of, or watch on tv.
I have always thought that it was these trials
that made me the person that I am.
But in actuality, I did not just land,
hitting the ground running ~
I was burying myself deeper into the ground each time,
losing a bit of my soul.

While the words of ancient poets
Fall like dust upon my shoes
Greed has robbed me of my vision
Turned my heart from higher truths

They say carpe diem – seize the day.
And I realize that I was holding out
for one big day to seize, grab and call my own.
I forget that each day is THE day,
and there is something in it for me, to call my own.
A laugh, a smile, a thought, an idea,
a memory recalled, a memory made,
a hug, a kiss, a compliment, a pat on the back
– it is what makes each day.

I have walked too long in darkness
I have walked too long alone
Blindly clutching fists of diamonds
That I found were merely stone

Every day since the day I was born,
has been filled with nothing but it.
Yet I have failed to see, to appreciate,
to cherish each and every one of them.
As I sit here and think about this story, and my life,
I would like to count all my blessings for once
~ to really sit and take stock
of all my achievements and gifts.

I have held a job for a while now,
which is the first time I’ve managed to do so
since I left walmart back in 2006.
Since then I’ve been bouncing from job to job,
trying to find somewhere I would be happy
spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
I had forgot that the place I work
isn’t what makes me happy to be there,
it was the people I work with,
and I never stuck around long enough
to really get to know any of my co-workers.
Now at my current job, I’ve actually stayed,
and got to know my co-workers,
and even though I hate what I do,
I love the people I work with,
and they make it somewhere
I don’t really mind going (most days).

I have been reunited with friends of the past
and I have strengthened the bonds of existing friendships,
growing that wee bit more,
behaving less like a child (I think!)
and shifting it from being the mundane,
to being the diamonds that people would proudly wear.
I have always said I have enough friends
and am not here to populate my phone book.
But I have never lived it out.
For those who are on my phonebook
were for the most part
nothing but names and contacts.
And it was a pity for they are indeed
the best people I could think of in the world,
to have standing by my side.
They hurt when I hurt
or even when they think that
I could even be remotely hurting.
They take the time out to sit me down,
look me in the eye and tell me things
in a way that only they could make me see.

I would trade the world of ages
For a warmer hand to hold
The path of light is narrow
But it leads to streets of gold

I used to think I know it all,
having been there and done that.
But I do not.
So many of life’s lessons I wrote off as inappropriate
or old school traditionalist way of living.
And the words of Michelle Obama’s speech about her husband,
Presidential Candidate Barack Obama comes to mind
– there is a way that the world is,
and a way that the world should be.
And that if we work as one, together,
the way the world should be,
would become a reality.

I think almost everyone who reads this,
has at some point or other,
spoken till they were blue in the face,
trying to thread me back into the way my world should be.
I have been walking against the tide,
driving myself nowhere,
trying to prove a point to everyone when I had no need to.
I am my greatest enemy,
undermining my own self without reason
but with the false logic and rationale
that that is the way my world is.

It’s not to say that my demons
hiding in the closet have been absolutely cast out
– that would be an exaggeration of the truth,
for they still lurk in the dark recess of my mind.
But the dust bunnies are no longer accumulating,
and those that remain
– they are progressively getting bored idling around.

In this world we move through shadows
Never sure of what we see
While the truth that lies between us
Come and share the truth with me

We only have once chance at this thing we call LIFE.
And it is pointless to be get older, and wiser,
if all that we do is lose sight of what is real and now.
For that would not be being wiser at all.
And so, what then do I hope to achieve in the days to come?

I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
There seems to be so many things that I feel I should do.
But for starters, I’d go with being ME,
and being alright if the real ME was less than.
I think I’ll even try my hand at being honest
at admitting that I am fallible
and being alright with not being infallible.
And last but not least,
I will definitely go after what I want.

So take my hand and lift me higher
Be my love and my desire
Hold me safe and honour bound
Take my heart to higher ground

I feel free and light ~
as if I have the world at my feet
and am seeing the skies, the clouds,
and the stars for the first time.
Also for the first time
I am looking into the mirror
and I’m alright with what I see.

I may not be all that I am,
but I’m alright being me.

Always Time For Beer

•August 28, 2008 • Leave a Comment

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous – yes!

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favourite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.”

“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand! into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.”

“Take care of the golf balls first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

In love with A Friend

•August 26, 2008 • Leave a Comment

With love comes heartbreak.
And heartbreak is painful.
There are no two ways about it.
Falling in love with a friend
can be the sweetest love,
and the most crushing kind of heartbreak.

It is painful tosee a smile upon your face
and know that my feelings are not reciprocated.
To sit beside you and pretend
that I feel nothing more than friendship
underneath the surface.
To restrain that wave of emotion
as we both lock eyes.
To ignore the fastening of my heartbeat
when you talk to me.
To encourage you for your dreams,
knowing that those dreams
don’t include me in them.
And to smile for your happiness
while my heart breaks
as you walk off with someone else.

Yet what would one be without
opening one’s heart to the idea of love?
To miss out on that shared connection,
that flight of happiness.
Love is a gamble.
One does not choose
who they give their heart to,
and one cannot try and
force themselves to love another.
It is one of the mysteries of life.

I choose to love,
despite the pain it puts me through.
I choose to keep you as a friend,
despite loving you so deeply hurts,
because I understand that love
is not something that you can manipulate.
I choose to keep you in my life,
because you’re my best friend,
and that matters a lot more than anything else.

I love you, my friend. And it hurts.


•August 25, 2008 • Leave a Comment

My cousin has this nasty habit
of uttering the word “sorry”
for every single thing
that she is chastised for.

She can go up to 10 “sorry”
in a span of half hour,
on a really bad day.
One fine day,
after her 5th one,
I dragged her aside
and asked her why she thinks
that by apologizing,
she’s gotten way scot-free?
Needless to say,
she couldn’t give me an answer.
And I don’t blame her
cause she’s only turning 6.

Maybe it’s just me
with a chip on my shoulder.
But I believe that the word sorry
should not be taken for granted
and thrown around
a thousand times a day.

Yet it seems that everyone else
has the mentality and maturity
of my young cousin there.

To me, the word is a form of apology,
and thus should be treated
with some form of reverence.

It is afterall,
an expression of one’s regret
or remorse or sorrow
for having insulted,
failed, injured
or wronged another.

I’m sorry I’m late.
I’m sorry I can’t make it.
I’m sorry I made this mistake.

As I sit and write this,
I cannot help but think back
to some people that I know,
who I am close with,
who now seem to be
as young as my cousin is.

Cause like her,
they throw a “Sorry” one way
and go and repeat the same act again,
in the not too distant future.

Have we become so superficial
that we actually believe that one word,
made up of 5 letters
is enough to communicate
or demonstrate that we regret
having done something
that caused another to be upset?

It’s a situation that
I have an issue with
and maybe we should all
sit and ponder it a bit.

Are we behaving like the adults
we’re supposed to be?

Or are we all behaving like a child,
thinking we could get away with murder,
just because?

For if you are really regretful
for being late,
your behavior in the
course of the time to follow
would communicate in more ways
than one sad lil word can do.

For if you are really remorseful
for having to cancel plans,
your determination to ensure
that the next time round they are kept,
would demonstrate that you are “sorry”
for having done so initially.

For while you may
behave like a 6 year old,
doesn’t mean that
the receiving party
has the gullibility
of a 6 year old as well
to believe you.

Don’t forget – say it often enough
without any real intention,
it becomes just another word
heard in the course of a day.

And words have a habit
of being soon enough forgotten.
And so might the same apply
to the one doing the uttering.

Eventually they too become
nothing and forgotten.